One of the things I will never know is what it's like to be a mother. They say "never say never" -- but this, this I know.
Even when I should have known, I didn't. I still remember my doctor returning to the examination room; with a solemn face she said she had both good and bad news for me. This was the morning after that frightful afternoon, the one I'll never forget. The pain so excruciating that I banged my head against the headboard repeatedly so I could pass out and no longer feel anything. The pain, the blood, the complete confusion.
"The bad news is that you had a miscarriage," she said. "The good news is that you can get pregnant after all."
Which explains the prior day's confusion: I had no idea I was pregnant. It turned out that for almost three months I was, but due to my highly irregular cycles I never suspected. Besides, different doctors had already informed me that it wouldn't be possible without extensive -- and expensive -- medical intervention.
Through the years I've been told that I'd make a good mother. I've always found that concept laughable: to this day I can't change a diaper and I don't even like Disneyland. (When my bestfriend's sons asked if I were joining them at the Happiest Place on Earth during their recent visit to Orlando, she replied, "Only if you want us to stop being friends.") When I'm at a restaurant and the host is about to seat me beside a table full of little children I whisper if I could have one where it's more...quiet.
I don't know how to do "kid talk." I figure that children can understand what I'm saying -- and they always do. I've never been the sort to run up to them, squeeze their cheeks, and tell them how cute they are. I was a chubby child, all big eyes and dimples. It always freaked me out when big people would hug and pinch me without asking me first; sometimes even if they did I preferred they didn't. So I know better, I think; I wait for children to look at me with curiousity, I smile, and they come over. But I never pinch.
And because I'm so kid-challenged I'm perplexed when people think I have maternal instincts of any kind. But I'm told this almost all the time.
Recently one of my co-workers, T, asked me if I were a mother. Although all of the girls I work with are practically half my age, they often talk to me about their dates and boyfriends and crazy nights out and how they're trying to earn enough money to stay in college. It's tickled me silly to know I can still be one of the girls, that none of them treat me like a dinosaur who used to have a life once.
So going back to T. I was having a quick bite when she asked me her unexpected question and was startled enough to forget to swallow. I looked up at her, eyebrows lifted. "Uh, no," I replied with a grin.
"I was so sure you were," she said, and then paused before turning around to leave the room. "You'd make a really good one, you know."
I do feel you'd make a great mom. Remember, it is a hands on experience.
And, being able to handle guys with their temperamental and childish ways, you've had some practical training.
Posted by: FN | July 30, 2012 at 09:39 PM