I remember a time when I thought it was awful to be single. I was 14 years old and my bestfriend and I had made a pact to send each other roses for Valentine's Day so we wouldn't feel like losers. Before the day came, however, a cute boy came calling for my friend, they fell in love, and she received a beautiful bouquet of flowers that February 14th. But not from me. And I suppose since her new attachment threw a wrench into our youthful pact, there were none from her, too.
Being single sucked. Big time.
Since then I've never thought being single was a negative. I got to live on my own, do my own thing, hang around with whomever I wanted to, and do all the weird things I like to do with no apologies to anyone.
The truth is, however, that perhaps I really wouldn't know much about being single, at least for any extended period of time. For the roughly 30 years that have transpired between my first and last relationships, there have been narrow windows, few and far between, when I was wholly unattached. I've even suspected that all the times I thought being single was the best thing ever was when I was not.
I've always admired single independent women. For those of you who are currently in relationships, think of all the things that are more difficult to do when you're a party of one. Like bringing your car to get serviced, for instance. If you're married we can safely assume that your spouse would simply drive to the shop separately and then bring you to wherever you need to be after you've dropped your car off. If you're single you'd need to call in a favor from a friend who's not too busy, hail a cab, or take public transportation to get around.
Nothing's impossible, of course, even when you're alone. I have a group of girlfriends, all single, who gather every weekend at someone's house on a rotating basis to help out with chores that would be too difficult for only one person to accomplish. Their system works out so much better than that of a few married couples I know, where neither one does much to help the other out. These people make me wonder what the point is in being married at all.
I just read this post today, which is making me examine how I really think and feel about being single. When I am, do I see myself as being merely between relationships? Do I let it affect my relationships with my (usually married, with children) friends? Or how does it affect others interacting with me?
The author, Thomas Rogers, wonders.
I don’t think we even know what being single is. We live in such a couples-obsessed society that there really are no “singles” out there — everyone is pre- or post-coupled. They’re either in the wings waiting or they’re past their prime and are no longer allowed to be part of this central way people not only organize their intimate lives but attain social legitimacy. People use relationships to bind themselves to social, political and cultural realities.
So many questions, and yet this is probably the best time in history for single people everywhere, especially for women. When I was a child the stereotype of a single woman in her 30s was the "old maid" in dowdy clothes, her hair tightly wound in a bun, peering through her glasses with pursed lips, with a cat waiting for her at home. No longer. Usually the only tight thing we think of about her are her buns (yoga-perfected, of course). Whether you loved or hated Sex and the City when it first aired, you have to admit that it changed many of the pictures in our heads.
One thing I have to set straight before I go, though. Despite all the relationships I've been in, I've never stayed because I couldn't find the strength to go. Whenever being with someone made me feel more alone than I do when I'm the only person in the room, it was a signal that something had to change. Something had to be tweaked, mended, fixed, or overhauled -- and if nothing worked, ended. Perhaps in a way, there is a single gal inside me always, one who chooses to be with someone for reasons other than being afraid of being single, of being alone.
I really appreciate your solidarity of us "single girls." Honestly, I'm used to hearing, "oh your dream guy will find you soon," like I should be waiting for him to arrive at my doorstep, lol. Everytime I've ended or been the dumpee of a relationship, I learn more of what I want and my expectations and what went wrong. Sometimes it feels like an amputated arm momentarily but then it grows back stronger... by "it" I compare it to my attitude and independence.
I miss being in a loving relationship but then again I want to enjoy having time for myself until I know I am ready to be found by "the one."
Posted by: Aggie | July 13, 2012 at 11:35 PM
So true, Aggie! I've always said you can't appreciate happiness and joy unless you've experienced sadness and sorrow -- and it's so true. I wouldn't be as grateful for what I have now if I didn't cry over all those guys before.
I say: continue doing what you love to do, what fuels your passion and gives you much joy -- and one day someone will see you and think, "I'll have what she's having." And then you can share them together. ;)
Posted by: Gigi | July 14, 2012 at 11:07 PM