TEN YEARS AGO

It was 10 years ago this month that my ex-husband and I decided to divorce. Our marriage lasted five years, and I've been married to my (second) husband for about six-and-a-half years now. The numbers don't really mean anything because it seems as though the passage of time has always depended on how much I paid attention to it. Those five years, let me tell you, were the longest period of my life. I'm sure my ex felt the same.

But going back to those days and weeks a decade ago. For a while there I was walking around in a daze; I can't describe it still, it was like being trapped in fog with zero visibility and trying to find my way to the clear with numb hands. Despite this being my decision, one I initiated with so much clarity and finality, I was so hopelessly lost after the fact. I don't think anyone really intends to get divorced, much less make plans for it the way you would prepare for your own passing, even if both are about death in a way. Or at least the end of a life as you know it.

I remember one afternoon lying in bed in our guest room as I often did then, staring outside the window at the pool, at the ceiling, and at the hallway just outside the door that divided us now. The phone rang and it was my friend Eleanor. Well, she and I knew each other because we had mutual friends, but we'd never really exchanged confidences or even had dinner out together, the way friends normally do. But she called me anyway because our friend Meg asked her to. El had gone through her own painful divorce a few years before and was doing great now, and our friend thought she might be able to put me on solid footing. As my friends know, I tend to withdraw into myself when I probably need them the most; I've just never learned how to ask for help.

The details of our conversation are hazy now, but I remember thinking immediately afterwards: I can do this -- even if she didn't candy-coat anything at all. She gave me the stark truth of the fight I was in for, but more importantly she gave me strength and hope. All the doubts I still harbored started to fade away, and certainly the guilt along with it. After we hung up, I got out of bed. I bought a few books regarding getting a divorce in California and started looking around for a lawyer to draw up the paperwork.

My ex-husband and I never did fight during our divorce proceedings. I was done fighting by then and all I wanted was my peace; my guess is that he felt the same, too. So I finally got my peace, which I've had for the last 10 years, the fastest-flying 10 years that I've ever known.

Comments

[sha]

i am lost with words on how to comment on this piece..... am going home mid Sept to sign the last part of my divorce. Some friends have asked me if I will be celebrating once the divorce will be released.

I said NO... I took all the good things in that marriage.. I have learned so much about myself through the ups and downs of those years.

Last year on my birthday my ex rang up I was joking to him what was my present.. he replied... I DID YOU A FAVOUR... YOUR FREEDOM....

you have inspired me to be strong G

[bingskee]

i always admire women who has the courage to end a relation. i have met women who stays in a relationship despite the abuses and the unhappiness. and the sorry excuse is always the children. which i would retort with 'but what kind of a father is your husband?'

glad that you and your ex separated in peace.

[delish]

know what... i still, naively maybe, believe that a lot of people 'unconsciously' bank on divorce, annulment and separation when they get married... that it's an option for them and so they don't invest so much in the "should I get married, should I marry THIS person" bit

then again... i've only been married for almost 3 years...

and I can't imagine ending a marriage... so it's really nice to 'meet' people who are leading happier lives after a 'bad' one... the human spirit does triumph after all :)

[Miguk]

What made you decide on a divorce? That is such a hard, painful step...one I just don't have the will or the strength to take.

[Gigi]

Sha - Good luck with the final step. I remember when I got the letter from my atty saying it was a done deal -- that was the only time I knew that I had finally moved on.

Bingskee - The one thing I know for sure is that my ex and I are much happier where we are now, and that it took our experience together to make that possible as well.

Delish - Maybe not naive, but cynical? Hehe...
I do know people from both ends of the spectrum, though. Like this one guy who decided to marry this girl he got pregnant because of the family pressure; he said he could always get out of it later. Then there's also my husband, who once told me during a fight that I was the one he wanted to spend his entire life with. :)

Miguk - Hard to briefly explain, but in a nutshell: if I stayed I would have lost myself completely. And I really believed he and I would be happier apart...not just me. It took a while to make the decision, but when I did I knew I wouldn't be looking back.