The last few couple of days I've been thinking about authenticity. Am I being true to myself, honest with myself? Because unless I can answer in the affirmative, then I'm not being real with anyone else either. My friend W and I were just discussing this last night: it's simply too easy to rationalize what we want, especially when what we want isn't in line with what we say we want. This is how we find ourselves doing things we're ashamed of: we deny to ourselves that we're capable of the unthinkable.
Trying to live an authentic life is just too difficult these days. We can create idealized personas online, not to mention completely false identities. Instead of trying to deal with the world we live in, we can invent our own. And even if we choose to live in real life, we can fake almost anything; we can erase the facial lines we've earned, shave off a bit of the nose, swell our lips, raise our eyebrows. We can create sculpted abs, leaner thighs, inflated boobs, and fuller butts. I mean, think about it: we all live in an age when "reality shows" aren't real at all and when the line between scripted and unscripted gets hazier by the day.
Today I saw a photograph of a 98-year-old woman who passed away on Monday. 
Before I read the accompanying text, I was already struck by her amazing face. I had no idea who she was but she looked so kind, yet so brave, and so profoundly wise. And as I stared into her eyes I thought: I want that face. I want to EARN that face. Then I discovered who she was -- and exactly how kind and brave and wise she was, and why her face revealed all of that.
This woman, Irena Sendler, saved 2,500 children from the Nazi Holocaust, smuggling them out of the Warsaw Ghetto. She was caught and tortured repeatedly yet refused to give up, and she never stopped her life's work. And despite all that she'd accomplished, she didn't like being called a hero because she always felt she'd not done enough.
I'll never measure up to the woman she was; that much about myself I already know. But tonight I sit here and think that while it's not wrong to desire to be a better, or at least different, version of myself, I need to be cautious, to be mindful about always wanting the change instantly. In real life, it takes time to develop, to grow, to become better, perhaps even to become our true self.
What I've learned through all this time, through all these many years, is that everything that's real takes time and effort. What's real can be painful, embarrassing, humiliating, and ugly. But there's also deeper beauty in the real. I want that real kind of beauty.
But I also know that deep inside lies that part of me who wants it now.
i just saw the picture of Irena Sendler from your post and as I look at it, her happiness is overflowing. Probably because she has done something for others. She must have really loved what she was doing and that made her a real person.
I agree with you that everything that's real takes a lot of time and effort. I honestly believe that we can find sheer joy when we learn to accept the reality and enjoy the beauty that lies within it. You inspired me with your thoughts
Posted by: ruthy | May 20, 2008 at 02:41 PM
i just saw the picture of Irena Sendler from your post and as I look at it, her happiness is overflowing. Probably because she has done something for others. She must have really loved what she was doing and that made her a real person.
I agree with you that everything that's real takes a lot of time and effort. I honestly believe that we can find sheer joy when we learn to accept the reality and enjoy the beauty that lies within it. You inspired me with your thoughts
Posted by: ruthy | May 20, 2008 at 02:42 PM
Ruthy - thank you! And I agree with what you said about the happiness that radiated from within her. That must have been what drew me to her face. :)
Posted by: Gigi | May 23, 2008 at 10:10 PM