Recently I did something I've never done in my entire life. I walked away from a job I've held for the last five years without the safety net of another one lined up. My only regret is that I should have done it sooner. I was drowning.
In this blog I've never named the company I worked for, and I never will. I suppose it's because of the intense loyalty I've always felt for my previous employer and its owners, as well as for the folks I worked with all this time. So, yes, it's complicated. All I will say is that I was turning into someone I didn't like, or at least I no longer recognized. And I constantly found myself spinning and getting dizzy, too often without a second to breathe.
I realized how awful things had gotten when I went home last month to attend my high school reunion. With almost every moment of joy I felt, I'd tell myself that I'd better squeeze every ounce of happiness from it because as soon as I was back to reality I'd have to go back to this job. When I realized I had missed being at the wrong place at the exact wrong time by only five minutes on that awful Friday, I told myself that it just wasn't my time to go yet -- and then I thought about having to go back to this job. And when I found out that my neighborhood was being evacuated because of the wildfires while I was thousands of miles away, I thought about going back and possibly being homeless -- and still having to go back to this job.
So I no longer have this job. I'll admit I'm scared about not having a source of income, especially through the holidays. I'm also not sure what my next steps will be. But for now I'll be selling off my clothes and other things for cash, and donating what I can't quite sell for the tax breaks next year. I'll probably get a part-time job to tide me over until I'm back in my groove and know exactly what I want to do. I tell myself, however, that what I now have are possibilities, even if I still don't know what they are or how to go after them.
But for now I know something for sure: I'm no longer drowning. I've finally come up for air.
It seems you experienced something similar to Andrea in The Devil Wears Prada.
There was a time in my life that I was miserable but I couldn't get out of it because I was in training. Walking out would mean having to start over. It was only after I finished and moved on to another training that I noticed how damaged my self esteem has become.
So for all experiencing the same thing, I suggest "Get out while you still can".
Gigi, I know the next few months will be difficult but I'm sure you did the right thing.
Posted by: Em Dy | November 09, 2007 at 12:05 AM
Been there, done that. And while it might be a little bit scary at first, you'll also find it very, VERY liberating.
Posted by: cabanagirl | November 09, 2007 at 04:04 AM
Congratulations Gigi! I kind of felt the uneasiness when we spoke last month. A huge leap of faith girl but definitely liberating. Just be in HIS flow for now. Seek His guidance and I know the right door will open in HIS time. Enjoy the break. We all deserve some breathing space. Now you have more time to blog :)
Posted by: Cathy | November 09, 2007 at 04:42 AM
Wow. I visit your site once in a while and this entry hits home. I am about to give notice to "The Man" and making my plans to freelance when 08 rolls in. I am going home in December to spend time in Boracay and Manila - quite scary but I feel like I need to do this to liberate myself from this rat maze and young punks with MBAs who think they rule the world. So when 08 comes, and if you need a freelance web content editor/writer please let me know. In the meantime, I am imagining the warm sands of Boracay...
Posted by: Rick | November 09, 2007 at 07:35 AM
GOOD LUCK! You are better off - you will soon find out!
Posted by: Trish | November 09, 2007 at 07:06 PM
Em Dy - It's been almost a week and not one ounce of regret has once passed my brain. I know it won't be easy -- but I know I did the right thing.
Cabanagirl - Thank you! I needed that. :)
Cathy - A lot of my friends are surprised -- no, shocked -- because I really hadn't talked about how miserable I've been. But I suppose it's because I have this idea that if I can't stand something, I can either stay and make it work or leave, but I can't whine about it. So I tried the first and it didn't work. So then I tried the next. So far, so good. :)
Rick - We are together on this journey, my friend! (Although I'd much rather join you on your journey to white sands and tropical breezes...)
Trish - If there was anyone I know who would understand, I knew it would be you! Thank you, really.
Posted by: Gigi | November 10, 2007 at 09:50 PM
Just imagine the vast horizon of possiblities that you've just bought for yourself in exchange for that regular paycheck. You took the leap and now all you have to do is fly! I am so happy for you! I know how scary and daunting it can seem right now but at this point in our lives, if you're not doing something you're passionate about, it would be tragic and a waste of your many, many gifts. Thank God for opportunities like this!
Posted by: ana5678 | November 11, 2007 at 11:11 PM
Wish you the best Gigi. Lots of luck. Pro blogger perhaps in the meantime!
Posted by: Joe | November 11, 2007 at 11:39 PM
Hi Gigi! Life is short and we should make the best of it. I'm so glad you were spared by the wildfires, and even more glad that you were five minutes late to that mall. Hey, let's get together sometime. Hopefully now we'll finally be able to get together. My best to you!
Posted by: Yey | November 12, 2007 at 01:10 AM
Congratulations, Gigi!
Lately I've been harboring thoughts along the same line ... except I've only been in this job for three years, and I don't completely hate it. It just - doesn't feel like me, I guess. Which is sad because I really really wanted it, back in the day.
At any rate, I'm glad you finally took a deep breath and made the change you needed to make! I know exactly how that feels. I hope a fantastic opportunity comes along for you soon!
Posted by: rei | November 12, 2007 at 06:20 PM
Despite my acceptance of the collective unconscious, I am always thrilled when things like this happen, separately all over the world, but in seeming unison. I just went through what you're going through myself two months ago. Leaping off a precipice is invigorating, and it is quite likely that there will be parachutes a plenty to ensure safe landing. Enjoy the ride...
Posted by: noelle | November 13, 2007 at 07:45 PM
Ana5678 - I was talking to my good friend Stacy today. A few years ago she left a cushy PR job at one of the largest entertainment companies in the world to start her own business. One Christmas, when her clients hadn't paid her and she found herself broke, she cried to her mother. Mom said: "What the heck are you crying for -- you're lucky you don't have to wake up and go to a job that you hate tomorrow."
This is my new mantra. :)
Joe - Oh, if I could only figure out how to make money from my blog! Thanks for the warm wishes. :)
Yey - Thank you dear friend. This past week I was on solitary mode but have started to reach out for support again. I would love to see you soon (if not, at least chat)!
Rei - So nice to see you here :) Really, we're mindmelding now? I'm here for you if you need a sounding board or something -- even if I'm really far away. Let's keep each other updated then. In the meantime, I wish you the best, too!
Noelle - I kinda sensed from your recent blog posts that you were going through a similar decision and change but I've never doubted that what you were doing was right for you and your family. Next year, we'll be asking ourselves why we didn't do this sooner? (Of course, the truth is I believe everything happened just when it was supposed to -- even if it means I'm broke before Xmas!!!)
Posted by: Gigi | November 14, 2007 at 12:52 AM