A major part of my survival strategy has been that practically all my life, I've considered setbacks, negative experiences, and even failure as essential to my learning process. "There is a reason for this," I assure myself each time I feel that my world is crumbling apart.
Despite all outward appearances I am slightly melancholic in nature and have been prone to mild depression all my life. I used to think this made me a bad person or at least severely flawed; I've since discovered that battling its impulses has made me stronger, even on days when I cannot see myself as anything but weak. When the panic attacks started hitting me unexpectedly and in full force during my mid-20s, I became angry at myself for being so irrational. I still have them, they're part of something neatly labeled as my panic disorder: sometimes they grab me and don't let go for weeks and other times I think they're gone for good. But the difference is now when they come and throw me, I try to be kinder to myself.
Tonight I was talking to my husband about one of his relatives who survived an aneuryism and is now battling deep, deep depression. Nothing seems to bring her any joy and she can't explain why this is the case, especially since she was always the jolly and jovial one. Her family and relatives have taken turns trying to encourage her, cheer her up, snap her out of her malaise. But nothing's working. I was listening to him describe each failed attempt and I heard myself telling him: "I understand a bit of what she's going through but I can't explain it to you either."
"It's like you know it's not making sense, that you shouldn't be feeling this way," I said. "But it's as if there's an "off" switch you can't get to and you just get so angry at yourself because this is happening even while you're trying to convince itself that it shouldn't be." And then I told him about the panic attack I had this afternoon while walking across the street to meet him at the bookstore.
I know this is my reason. All of -- this -- helps me understand and empathize with human weaknesses and fears and instills in me extraordinary patience. But it also makes me know for certain that there is always fight left in us, even if victory is often not that finish line at the end but merely each mile passed. My next marker is that next time I take that very same route and not feel like I'm going to die traversing it.
The way I look at it, each time I try I actually succeed in some way. Because I'm still trying, still fighting. Not helpless, weak, or even crazy. But stronger.
I can totally relate. Thanks for posting your experiences about depression and anxiety. That is exactly how I feel. I'm in SD btw.
Posted by: m | October 07, 2007 at 08:57 AM
G, it's all the time, it is the perceived weaknesses that make us strong. We are much better persons, more compassionate ones because of the "weak" spots in our persona. Very insightful post. We will have TONS to catch up on. Can't wait :)
Posted by: Cathy | October 07, 2007 at 10:19 PM
I totally can relate here Gigi and maybe our biggest weakness can become our biggest strength.
Posted by: K | October 09, 2007 at 05:46 AM
The world needs more compasssion and understanding.
Posted by: RSeattle on Multiply | October 09, 2007 at 10:30 AM
I can also relate to this. I'm in one right now.
Posted by: Jen | October 12, 2007 at 12:59 AM
great post, gigi. i can't tell you how much i go by that adage in your title, it's a saving grace in times of adversity.
Posted by: abby | October 12, 2007 at 01:31 PM
M - Just a big hug from me to you...
Cathy - Kulang talaga our time together that past Monday (and btw yes, talagang hindi nakikinig ang driver ko sa mga babae -- buwisit!!!)
K - Well said!
RSeattle - It really does, and it starts with us, 'no?
Jen - Another big, tight squeeze for you! How are you feeling right now?
Abby - Thanks so much! Same here, it's like my mantra...
Posted by: Gigi | October 25, 2007 at 04:46 PM