It's one thing to hear rumors about a friend or acquaintance cheating on her spouse and quite another seeing it confirmed. But that's what my friend A and I recently discovered; we literally ran into the evidence at the mall.
A: I don't know why I'm so shocked when I find out about our married friends fooling around. At this point I should be surprised when they don't.
I nodded my head, I feel the same way. (Illicit) love seems to be all around us these days and the only thing that shocks me is how no one seems to keep these things quiet anymore. Is it because we're smack dab in the age of Reality TV, where the worst of human nature is mere fodder for entertainment?
My friend's still a newlywed, and she's already wondering if she would ever cheat on her husband. Perhaps this is a good thing, that she's examining and evaluating the strength of her convictions and principles so that they hold strong and firm if (when) they are finally put to the test. So she asked me if I ever would do what our other friends are now doing.
"You know, cheating on your spouse is never a good idea," I stated the obvious.
"Not even if your true soulmate comes along?" she challenged.
I shook my head. "Sometimes I even think it's best not to live with or marry your "soulmate" anyway," I answered without thinking. And that's when I realized I was a true-blue, dyed-in-the-wool romantic no more. How did this happen, when just days ago I described myself as an "incurable" one in this very blog?
"But you're different from most of us," A went on. "You've always been really confident about what you would do in certain situations and then you do what you think is right."
My left eyebrow rose in mild surprise; what if she knew I only appear to be this way because the truth is in reality I'm weak when it comes to many things and am being tested constantly? It's like if you knew you were living in a warzone and didn't know how to protect yourself; you'd probably overcompensate and carry with you every weapon ever invented just to make sure you'd survive. Well baby, I'm fully packed and ready to draw at any time.
"What, you think I've never been tempted?" I asked her. "I was once in a bad marriage before, you know." Poor thing, that seemed to shock her even more. And so she asked what I do to hold strong, because she's not sure what she would choose to do if the "guy that got away" came back into her life once more.
"You think really hard about what it is you're doing or -- better yet -- about what it is you want to do," I replied, "And then you think of all the consequences and all the people you're going to hurt, including yourself.
"And then you think again and keep thinking if it's worth all the ugly mess you're about to make, especially when temptation is just centimeters from your face. Because some days it's easy to do the right thing and other days you don't really give a fuck. And it's on those days you're better off thinking harder than ever so you don't actually do anything stupid."
My friend was quiet; I sensed she was still reminiscing about the guy that got away from her life, the one she's convinced is her true soulmate. I'm hoping that if ever he returns, it's her soul she's more concerned about. But as for me, I'd rather live conflicted than with regret.
And that's why I'm always thinking.
We are totally in agreement on this one. People seem to think love is like a Harlequin (remember those?) romance or something. All heaving chests and torn bodices...True love is not hormones + similar interests. It's who wakes up to take care of the baby or who makes you chicken noodle soup when you look like crap and are near death... that to me is REAL love. I've been tempted, but I'd never succumb because I know what I'd be trading in and what I'd get in return. Not worth it...
Posted by: Sandra | August 06, 2006 at 03:07 PM
I couldn't have said it better, Sandra. Drama is exciting and seductive, but people forget there's always an ending and then it's back to reality all over again.
Posted by: Gigi | August 06, 2006 at 10:54 PM
as "gasgas" as it may sound, I still believe that love is a decision and not just a feeling.
Cheers!
Posted by: duke | August 07, 2006 at 01:58 AM
It is wrong to assume that we only have one possible soul mate in a lifetime. We have many possible soulmates, many permutations. Therefore, I think the socially accepted model of commiting to a life with one partner is not only erroneous but a disservice to the human soul. To die with a smile on your face, you should be able to remember 4 to 6 committed relationships and leave a wonderful legacy to the people that you have touched.
Posted by: R | August 07, 2006 at 02:10 PM
Hi Duke - "Gasgas"? :) But I do agree with you: love is a commitment (which is a type of decision), for sure.
Hey R - If I look back on my life I can probably think of two men whose souls truly, truly connected with mine (and obviously vice-versa). But everyone has a different definition of the term "soulmate" (or even of "love", for that matter), if they even choose to believe it exists. I think the key, though, is not to impose any restrictions on how we connect to people, since that's part of the reason why we're all here anyway.I think I posted something about this before -- that there are people who continue to touch my life today (whether or not they are still part of my life) simply because they touched a part of how I think or what I do, and that still lives with me today.
Posted by: Gigi | August 07, 2006 at 03:53 PM
when I decided to get married, and after setting the date... I embarked on a daily grilling of my motives for getting married, and if i was sure, and if i was ready to throw everything about being single away...
i still sort of do that... constantly asking myself things that would probably confuse someone else...
see... i know what i said YES to, when i entered marriage... i think most couples don't when they do, so when something comes along, no matter how superficial or too good to be true, they turn their back on their commitments...
i've heard of a lot of stories of people who picked up the pieces of their life after a partner's betrayal... who ended up finding happiness and love again...
i'm just not quite sure about those who purposefully ruined relationships though...
Posted by: delish | August 07, 2006 at 06:11 PM
i think every woman (not only men) experiences being tempted. it's just like we all have to undergo the process before it's complete. you are very right to say that one should think of the consequences. it's just not the feeling, and sometimes we are mistaken about the feeling. there is a thin line between love and lust.
Posted by: bing | August 08, 2006 at 07:14 AM
I keep telling someone I know who can't "help" himself from cheating in his relationships, "Walk away. And while you're at it, get a self-esteem."
Posted by: Madmuse | August 08, 2006 at 09:52 AM
hello Delish - Good for you! Some people don't get beyond the concept of planning the wedding or they jump in because they feel like "it's time to get married" --and so they don't realize there's a matter of waking up beside the same person everyday for the rest of their lives. It's not as easy as it appears.
hi Bing - What's interesting is among the folks I know who are straying from their marriages, about 3 out of 5 are women. Anyway I don't like to judge why people do the things they do; all I know is when it comes to this sort of thing, it never ends up pretty -- no matter how justified they might feel at the time or whether or not they get "caught."
Hi Madmuse - People who are serial cheaters have way more problems than impulse control, and walking away (as well as self-esteem issues) can go both ways. For instance,I've "fallen" for one or two of the cheating kind in my life, and I always chose to walk away despite how I might have felt about the person. It's just not worth it -- and it's always worst in the end when you're hurting and you have no one else to blame but yourself because you knew better.
Posted by: Gigi | August 08, 2006 at 12:34 PM
You're right! It does go both ways, and here I was only talking about the prospective cheater walking away from temptation.
I agree, it's just not worth it, but I guess people like to learn the hard way.
Posted by: Madmuse | August 08, 2006 at 01:35 PM
"the one that got away..." we sometimes have to stop and think about what that really means.
The reality may be that there were probably things about that situation that were wholly unacceptable but one has chosen not to see simply because the EGO is foremost.
Once it CLICKS that its not the "one that got away" that we ache for but vindication, validation, seeking acceptance from without instead of within, then we can let go.
Posted by: trish | August 08, 2006 at 07:04 PM
Hi Trish - There's a good point I haven't yet considered -- sometimes it's easier to identify a person as a source of loss or of what we don't/no longer have, rather than to look within. If I understand you correctly, that is.
Posted by: Gigi | August 08, 2006 at 08:36 PM
Hi GIGI!!! Yep! You understood correctly!
Posted by: trish | August 09, 2006 at 06:26 PM
Hi Trish - Yaay! You explained it clearly, but I just wanted to make sure my reception was just as good (nowadays, there's been a lot of static in my brain. Ai-ya, we need to catch up soon).
Posted by: Gigi | August 09, 2006 at 11:05 PM