HOW A BABY IS MADE

Dexie's in a bit of a quandary: her oh-so-smart, inquisitive son wants to know how babies are made. It used to be so easy before, back in the old days, when it was perfectly okay for parents to lie about these kinds of things until their kids figured it out. Nowadays -- at least what I can discern from what my friends with children tell me -- parents need to begin honest dialogue about this topic earlier because of the saturation of sexual messages and images in today's society.

Fortunately for my parents, it was a much different world when I was a child. At first mom tried to tell Tina and me that storks brought babies into the world -- which just didn't make sense because we'd never seen a stork anywhere in the Philippines before nor seen pictures of one. That story didn't fly with us, but mom would say no more.

I still remember vividly one night, when I was seven and Tina was six, we were watching television with our parents before bedtime, as we did every night. In the show, a woman had just gotten pregnant, and she and her husband were discussing preparing for the baby. Unexpectedly, Tina turned her head around to face my parents and asked, "How do people get pregnant?"

Mom, bolstered by the show's storyline, then answered, "When a boy and a girl kiss, the girl gets pregnant."

Tina digested this for a brief moment, and then turned her head around again, "So mom, does this mean Suzy is going to get pregnant?"

I knew instinctively that Tina had just gotten our older sister in trouble. I looked at my younger sister's worried face, groaned, and covered my face with my hands. True enough, just a few days before, Tina and I were in our playroom with our Barbie dolls and toys, when she went off to the kitchen to get something. When she returned she whispered to me, "I saw Suzy and B kissing in the living room." And then we started giggling. I ran to the doorway and peeked around the corner -- but my sister and her boyfriend already knew they had been caught and so were now both sitting innocently on the couch. B looked at me sheepishly and then smiled.

So Mom then asked Tina why she thought our teenage sister was about to become a mother. And she told my parents what she had seen, exactly as she had told me not too long before.

It was at that moment when I realized there was more to baby-making than just two mouths touching; I knew Suzy wasn't going to get pregnant anytime soon. But I wasn't going to find out details until about four years later when Maite, a seventh-grader in my school, forced me to listen to her explain how I was made -- that my father put his penis into my mother's vagina (I still shudder when I think about this). "You're lying!" I yelled at her, "That's so gross!" She merely laughed at me, as if I were a stupid, naive fool; I bet she also derived much joy from telling little children there was no Santa Claus.

The truth was I didn't believe her. I believed that making a baby was more glorious and beautiful than just sticking one thing into another.

And, as I found out later, I was right.

Comments

[Anna]

I dread the day when I have to explain to my kids. I vaguely remember how my mom told me - I think I was about 8 or 9 years old, and was reading a book or doing something when she interrupted me, saying she needed to talk to me. She led me to the living room and we sat on the couch, then she showed me a magazine that had a diagram of a woman's reproductive system (I think she chanced upon the article and decided to take advantage of it right then and there), and then proceeded to explain how it happened. Unfortunately, I was so engrossed in what I had been doing before and rather irked about being taken away from my pastime that I did not pay attention. I simply nodded every now and then and made appropriate "uh-huh" noises, and she never noticed the distant, glazed look in my eyes. At the end of the lecture she asked if I had any questions, to which I replied with a mute shake of the head and then went back to whatever I had been doing. None of what she told me registered; I eventually learned the how-to, I'm not sure how long after that talk, when I chanced upon a story in a magazine with explicit descriptions. I was horrified, then it dawned on me - THAT was what my mom had tried to tell me that day! I never did tell her that her lecture went in one ear and out the other, I was too embarrassed when I finally figured it out, and she never again approached me about the subject. My self-education progressed over the years via more books and magazines, and particularly helpful was the book "Everything You Ever Wanted to Know About Sex But Were Afraid to Ask" (I found that on my dad's shelf.) I think what I learned from that experience is that it's best to wait for your kids to broach the subject, because then you know for sure they'll be listening!

[Yey]

I don't remember how I talked to my daughter about how babies are made, but by the time she was in high school, I know that she knew everything - mostly because of the sex education classes she received in middle school. It's not that I fear talking to her about such things - in fact, I'm very open with her, and if you believe her, she would say that I'm WAAAAAAAY to open. One time she and her friends tried to goad me into talking to them about sex. I think we were watching a movie at home, and just to make sure, I paused the movie and asked them if they really knew and understood about how babies are made. To the goading, I asked my daughter if she was sure she wanted me to discuss such things with her friends present, and she immediately backed off.

I find it hilarious since my mom could hardly talk to us about such things. And because she grew up in a double-standard world, she tried to convince me, even after I'd had my daughter, that only males enjoy sex. I couldn't help myself asking her, "So, Papa wasn't good in bed? Coz if you didn't enjoy...." Of course, she retorted, "Your Papa was very good in bed!" My aunt, overhearing our exchange, immediately spoke up and said, "And what would be your point of comparison?"

Anna, when and if the time comes, send your kids to me. Hehehe! Although I'm sure that you wouldn't really have a problem in that arena!

[John]

Can't parents just send their kids to their room when asked this question? That's my plan, at least.

[Madmuse]

I was a sick little kid. For some reason, by the time I was in 3rd grade, I had figured it out. One day, I asked me sis-in-law how babies were made. She explained that when a man and woman have "contact," then a baby is made. That got my mind investigating. "How was this contact done?" It just so happened too that my mom and dad would never hesitate to go au naturel in front of us when they got changed. My dirty little mind somehow figured it out. I don't remember how. In my case, I was that girl who grossed out some schoolmates. I had drawn on the board what my theory was about how babies are made. I think I scarred them for life. LOL!

[Gigi]

Hi Anna, Yey, and John - I think, for the sake of the children, the best thing is for ME to do the talking. :)

Hi Madmuse - You gave them a visual??? In 3rd grade??? Yikes! Maybe YOU should talk to Anna and John's kids instead. You've obviously had practice :)

[Yey]

Gi, seriously now, there's a children's book that explains it all, I just can't remember the title. The next time I go to a bookstore, I'll look for it and let you know. Anna, haven't you seen that book?

But hey, I think I've done a good job explaining not just to my daughter, but to my nieces and nephews, as well. Don't get me wrong, though - I surely don't mind relinquishing that duty to someone else.

[schatzli]

opps I wouldnt know how to explain but i did learn such thing when I was in HS.

But now here in Greece am the one giving the lessons to the Filipino youngsters here... too many unwanted pregnancies. Some mothers dont talk to them about this and the irony is they, the youth spend their time at pastoral group doing the virgin mary things then do nooky businesses after....with out much knowledge of sex.

[schatzli]

opps I wouldnt know how to explain but i did learn such thing when I was in HS.

But now here in Greece am the one giving the lessons to the Filipino youngsters here... too many unwanted pregnancies. Some mothers dont talk to them about this and the irony is they, the youth spend their time at pastoral group doing the virgin mary things then do nooky businesses after....with out much knowledge of sex.

[John]

On second thought, maybe someone should explain this thing to me also. I'm not entirely sure I have a good grasp of what the whole thing is about.

[Madmuse]

Gigi, well I didn't draw a whole porn image. It was more like stick figures with lines and circles and arrows...LOL! My friends probably went to their parents and told them what I had said. Hmmm, that's probably why they stayed away from me afterwards! Hahah!

[joyce]

hi gigi!
my daughter, being very resourceful, got hold of a book when she was 8. the book had beautiful illustrations of how a baby develops in the mother's womb. it also had a discussion for parents on how to tell their kids about the birds and the bees...buti na lang! so therefore, she didn't have to ask me =)

[Gigi]

Hi Yey - They even have audiobooks for this stuff! All this "help" available and yet it's still never easy. :)

Hello Schatzli - Ain't that the truth? Usually it's because girls are uninformed that "accidents" happen.I know there are still many people who would disagree with me on this -- but I believe it's not enough to tell teens "don't do it," period. Because if (when) they do, if they don't know anything else, there's bound to be trouble.

Hi John - OK. Where do I begin? :)

Hello MadMuse - I don't know if you've ever seen that website with the stick figures who commit all kinds of violent acts. Anyway, thanks to you, now I have images of them doin' a whole lot of lovin'!

Hi Joyce - Bless your daughter's heart! You are one lucky mom. :)

[paul]

I appreciate this topic peepz. While browsing, I happen to encounter this site. Thanks for the owner.

Sooner I might be rearing my daughter alone. It seems what I wanted for a family wont be materialized. So, right now, am already preparing for how would I lead my daughter into a nearly perfect manner. I suppose her mom is to be the best parent to relate to her about her questions on her sexuality, but things may not happen that way. I have in mind, of having my girl-cousin to answer her would-be questions, but for sure under my supervision. If I do not let her know the facts about her sexuality, she might turn into asking her friends or classmates. This might lead into a dilemma. On the other hand, if I let her know everything about sexuality, she might get curious and explore the beyond.

When I was on the puberty stage, little did I know about this topic. And the result? Lesser curiosity. Blessing that I never had so much enthusiasm on experiencing such act. The little knowledge I had, the lesser curiosity it took me. And instead on focusing so much time about it, my mind was rather focused on my studies. Thus, having good grades! Lesser knowledge of it, did not diminish my person, nor my masculinity. But, more that I appreciated life and its values.

My gratitude to the books which taught me sexual functions. Thanks also for the religious books, which led me on how to carry this “energy” in the right way. In turn, respect of oneself and of others.

I must be on guard and determine the better ways when time comes. Things I experienced might be different from that of the adolescents’ nowadays. If my daughter would know less, will she get more curious? Or the more that she would most get curious when she knows a lot? That I could not predict. But there is one thing I am sure of, that I must be a bestfriend to her. So that when questions arise, she would come to me and be open. I would be the immediate source she could ask from. If I find it improper to answer, I will refer her to her tita, my cousin. In this way, I could prevent her from gathering information from friends and classmates. If she would receive the knowledge from us, she would receive it with proper guidance and moral values.

Having children is the best experience in the world. All of us dream the best for our children. God bless all the children and the parents. May He bless especially the good parents! Good parents rear the good leaders in our society.

I urge you to visit this site, www.xanga.com/polzki. In here I posted the very best speech I encountered about having a daughter. “If I had a daughter” by Vidal Tan (UP professor), delivered before the UP women’s organization.