DATING IN LA

Although my ex-boyfriends tease me about -- well -- my ex-boyfriends, I really haven't done much dating in my life.

The first man I dated became my first boyfriend, the second became my next boyfriend, and the third was No. 3. Now I don't know if this means that if I dated a boy, he'd automatically become the next boyfriend -- but I do know this means I didn't have a lot of casual dating experience. I suppose I was never really good at window shopping; I'm more of a committed buyer type -- if I like what I see, I don't mess around. I also mess around when I really like what I see -- but that's not what I'm talking about here.

When I first came to Los Angeles from Manila, it was like someone had dropped me off in the middle of the freakin' Mall of America without tossing me a directory. I was completely fascinated, thoroughly excited -- and hopelessly lost.

It was like being 15 again, buckling under the pressure of my first boyfriend's constant hinting of sex. I had no idea what a penis even looked like (I had no brothers and heretofore had only been exposed to sex-education-enrobed-in-religion classes). So I did the only thing any resourceful teenager could do: I pored through every encyclopedia in my high school library in hopes of finding a picture (not just an illustration) of the male reproductive anatomy. Alas, reference materials were not as informative as they are today. And this was the pre-internet period, before the days of online porn and Google. I realized class would consist of all lab and no lecture (and certainly no textbook).

I had no idea of how to date in a foreign country.

I didn't have any friends here to guide me or at least give me some kind of a clue. And when my university freshman peer advisor asked me if I had any questions, I figured she was referring to truly useful things like library hours or where to get the best grub on campus. Besides, since her boyfriend was shamelessly flirting with practically every other helpless, vulnerable female freshman his girlfriend was entrusted to assist and guide, I didn't think she'd be the best person to get dating and relationship advice from.

My first real date here started out promising. I had met him at a party full of drunken junior college students. I didn't know anyone except the friend I was with (who was off somewhere trying to get laid), so I stood where I could look like I was having a good time without actually experiencing it: by the bar. I met this guy who was half-Filipino and half-Jewish; I thought he was extremely charming, funny, and cute and was thrilled he chose to spend most of the night talking to me. So when my friend (who turned out to be his classmate!) told me half-and-half wanted my phone number, I was tempted to tell him to hang up with me immediately, call the guy, and give it to him, like, NOW.

Long story short: cute boy called, he asked me out, I said yes. And when I opened the door the following weekend, I realized that either I was flirting with the wrong boy by the bar all along, or it was just really, really dark where we stood (It really was dark). He wasn't bad looking at all; my ocular equipment had merely been defective the night we met. Worse, I realized that charm was something he must have only temporarily acquired from a beer bottle. When he was sober, he was boring and even a little too eager to laugh at his own jokes.

I must admit I was also panicked and stressed out: I had no idea how to act on a date so I was really stiff and probably didn't bring out the best of him either. He was really nice so although I was a little bit -- OK, a lot -- distant, I was nice to him all night as well. But not too nice. When he dropped me off at home and leaned in for a goodnight kiss, I think I shook his hand.

I knew I wasn't going to kiss him on the first date. Because I never ever have. Not because of some dating rule I once learned or some female game I have to play. As Cher (played by Alicia Silverstone) in the movie Clueless said (I'm paraphrasing here): "I'm picky about my shoes -- and they only go on my feet." I just can't swap saliva with someone I barely know. In all American movies I ever saw, it seemed people always kissed at the end of the date -- so I didn't have alternative options in mind. I didn't know what to do, and a handshake seemed friendly enough.

Eventually I got a lot better with this dating business. Still, I don't know if I'd do very well if I were released back into the jungle, especially given today's new hunting grounds. For instance, I've never tried speed dating or online dating. The first one, to me, would feel like walking into a store five minutes before closing time when I desperately need the perfect dress to wear that night. The second one not only reminds me too much of window shopping (which we've already established I'm not very good at), but involves relying on information prone to exaggeration or hyperbole, sometimes even way beyond the realm of actual fact (or even possibility). Kind of like catalog shopping -- photograph looks really good and the description is gripping, but when the package arrives, you realize you'd been duped. Still, I'm not knocking what I don't know.

I may not be a dating expert, but this is what I do know. I suppose most of these are universal laws, but according to Cathy a couple of them may be culture-specific. She just posted a hilarious account of what happened when she dated a German expat in the Philippines and neither knew whose country's dating norms to follow, so they made up their own.

1. Whoever asks, pays.


2. But it would be nice if the one asked offers to split the bill anyway.


3. I have girlfriends who always insist on paying their half because they don't want their date to "expect" anything. Question: What's so difficult about saying, "No"?


4. Turn off your cellphone. Unless you're president of your country and are needed by your people 24/7.


5. Ladies: always have an eye on your drink so no one can slip anything into it.


6. Don't get so smashed that you permanently become part of your date's repertoire of "nightmare date" stories.


7. Don't talk about your ex. Don't refer to your ex. Don't cry over your ex.


8. If you're expecting to kiss (or be kissed by) your date, carry a small pack of breath mints and don't order anything on the menu that has the word garlic in it.


9. If a goodnight kiss seems right, do it. If not tonight but sometime in the near future, a close, tight hug and maybe an "mmmm, thanks" is good. If never, a quick hug (without chests touching) and a friendly (but dreaded) double pat on the back speaks volumes. If "don't even think about it," maybe a handshake might suffice.


10. Men: I don't know where that three-day rule (i.e. wait for three days after date before calling) came from. If you had fun and want to see her again, just call. If you don't know what to say, then at least thank her for a great night. My husband called me the day after our first date, we got together the next night -- and have been together ever since.

If you have any dating tips, pass them on here to those who may need them. Lord knows I could have used the help -- at least, when I was in-between boyfriends.

Comments

[golda]

#7!!my date couldn't stop talking about his ex."you're very much like her.it hurts just being with you."waaaah.nightmare!haha, we should compile the tips!and make a dictionary of what certain things mean!

[Cathy]

Geez!!! I'm so flattered I got a mention!
I dont know how I became a frog-kisser, but I've learned so far to take the good with the bad--sometimes you like them, sometimes you don't. At times the guy doesn't like me, I no longer obsess why.
Yes, the list is necessary!

[Gigi]

Hi Golda - Whoa -- what??? "It hurts just being with you."? Oh man, I'd have told the loser he had NO idea how much he could REALLY hurt being with you after saying something so stupid. I just read your 8/1 dating post now too -- so they have speed dating in Manila now?

Hi Cathy - What can I say, I love your stories! Plus we're both bonafide frog kissers (with exception of the hubby -- of course), so I can truly relate to your dating woes. :)

[Stacy]

Dating is a straight-up freak show. There's just no way around it. It might actually be giving me an ulcer.

[Nikki]

My advice on the three-day calling rule: Women, if you like 'im, call 'im. Just thank him nicely for the great time you had on the last date; if he doesn't take the bait and ask you out again at this point, chances are he never will. So you can move on and not wonder why he isn't calling. If he doesn't get you, then he probably doesn't deserve you.

[Gigi]

Stacy - SO??? How did it go? I'm calling you and I want DETAILS. Oh lord, now dating is a health hazard...

Nikki - Ooh, I'm so glad you said that! See -- this is why a "dating tips" list needs to be a collective effort: I forgot to mention women can pick up the phone and should if they want to (short of stalking, of course). I will admit I've always been too chicken (or proud? ugh) to call -- I'll stare at a phone and try to "will" it to ring (and OF COURSE it does...but it's never the right person on the line). I think IM, email, and sites like Friendster have made it easier for women like me, though. Not so obvious or forward, and a lack of response (or rather, the "right" response) lets us know to move on as well.

[bugsybee]

Hi Gigi - I don't know what our age difference is but, my, how the rules have changed! I had a good laugh on tip #9 though. Tip #7 is one rule that seems to be perpetually violated.

[John]

I used to date girls that are way too in love with themselves. After several such dates, I eventually learned how to pre-qualify potential dates. Yeah, I know. I shoulda learn from one or two, but no, it took me a few.

Excellent post, by the way.

[Yey]

Hey Gi!

Great blog! I've been catching up and have been thoroughly entertained for the past hour! It's also surprising to see snippets of my life here, but that's ok. This one brings back memories.

You and I shared the same high school with its all-girls/Catholic nuns standards, and there were rules galore on courtship and dating (which, needless to say, will not work here). Being the first girl after two boys in a "traditional" Filipino family with four kids, just imagine how protected I was. This was, of course, heightened when we came to LA from Manila - my brother, who had been a junior in college, had to start all over again just so he could watch over me. See, I first came here at 15 and directly into college where everyone just seemed so much older and experienced. No one even understood the concept of "courtship".

It took a lot of creativity to turn down dates just to hide my embarassment at not being allowed to officially date until I turned 18! And by the time I turned 18, my mom said that I had to bring a chaperone!! If my mom only knew the things I did in high school - wasn't discretion the key? It was a lot more difficult in college because my brother had many friends who all somehow shared the same over-protectiveness over me - because of my age, they said. This somehow spilled over to my friends, too. Whew! It was a bizarre situation to be allowed to drink from age 13 (your former jet-setter cousin B gave me my first drink at a party in my house in front of my mom) and then be transported into a society where drinking is not legally allowed until age 21, and yet, I was not allowed to officially date even at 18.

Interestingly, though, I always had a boyfriend... but that's another story. Those were the days when guys gave undying love and devotion. Love was pure and guys gave you their undivided attention (when they weren't studying or playing sports, of course). What happened to these guys?

My friend Wilma says that guys are at their best only until age 25. Then they go downhill from there because they start collecting baggage. That is, until they reach age 50. At this point, they start acting more like women - you know, they start learning how to cook, garden, take more care of their person and surroundings (i.e., they groom themselves and clean their homes), and they take up a hobby! (Guys, please don't get mad at me - I'm just repeating what Wilma said, ok?)

Of course, I'm sure that there is an alternate version for women - I just haven't heard it, yet. ;-)

One of these days, when I go back to dating - hopefully soon - maybe I will find the right one. Simply seeing you and Arnel together is enough inspiration for me. In the meantime, tips always help! Thanks and more power!

[Gigi]

Hi John - I'd love to know how you prequalify dates! I'm sure we can all learn from your pointers. :) My friend once waited for his date to get ready -- for almost two hours! He said she looked perfect when she finally came downstairs to meet him, but he never asked her out again.

My husband once went on a blind date, and this woman kept blabbing on her cellphone all night. He excused himself, said he was going to the restroom -- and then discreetly walked out the door and drove away (they had arrived at the restaurant separately).

Hi Yey - I was pleasantly surprised to see your comment pop up here! Anyway, here's my personal tip: the truth is whenever I used to go out with a guy, I didn't think of it as a date. I'd think of it as just meeting a person, a potential friend. It always took the fear away and brought an element of fun instead. So GO meet more friends!!! :)

[Yey]

Gi, dating or meeting people is not the problem - it's me making sure that I'm ready to play the game again. Ok, so one of my desperate (for me) friends set me up with a guy on a blind date. Of course, he emailed me his picture first. He's cute, so I considered it. But when he gave me his full name (yes, including his middle name), I got the heevie-jeevies because he has the same name as the victim/relative of a suspected axe murderer. Granted, it was a case from about a hundred years ago, but still... One day, it will feel right. Don't worry. Oh, and you don't have to tell me that I'm being ridiculous - I already know it. ;-)

[rei]

You hit the nail on the head, as always - why did I not know you back when I was still a greenhorn in the dating game? I would like to add a very huge AMEN to #10, but for selfish reasons. My mother drummed it into my head while I was growing up that girls never, NEVER called boys first unless it was a work-related matter. Therefore to this day I am stuck agonizing over whether a boy is going to call me or not after a date, and after three days I'm usually torn between gratitude and wanting to kill him for making me wait so long.

I used to only date people I'd already known for a while, which kind of negated a few of the rules. I must say, though, when you're out there in the jungle, ALL of your rules apply.

[Gigi]

Hello Yey - I once told my bestfriend I'd never ever date a guy named "Arnel" -- I just thought it was (never mind, I might be offending any Arnels reading this). But look who I ended up with after all. :) No wonder I call him "hon."

Hi Rei - I've got to admit I should be more "enlightened" -- but I'm afraid when I was single I used to call a guy only if he called first (because it would be rude if I didn't return his call after all) or for work/school matters. When I was 17 my best guyfriend kissed me as he took me home -- I was so thrilled and scared, and thought for SURE he'd call me once he got home so we could discuss what was happening between us. But the bastard didn't call for 24 HOURS!!! I was crying from fear -- and still I didn't even call first. Ugh.