ALL FOR THE BEST

I just watched the second episode of American Idol -- an hour of outtakes from auditions held in St. Louis, MO. It was on opposite Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Model Search -- which meant that Arnel and I kept flipping back and forth between channels (guess which show he wanted to watch?).It's one thing for a sexy, beautiful woman to think she's fabulous enough to grace SI's swimsuit issue -- even if she's only good enough for, say, mass market retail catalog work -- but it's completely another thing for a tone-deaf aspiring cosmetologist possibly afflicted with disassociative identity disorder to believe she's the next American Idol. OK, so maybe only one of her alter states truly believes it -- but even that is one too many.

It requires either an immeasurable amount of chutzpah or pathological levels of delusional thinking to get in front of a camera and announce to millions that one is the most deserving, the best of the best, the top of the heap. You may have what it takes or not, but it really does take a lot more than unbridled confidence to declare yourself peerless or unrivaled. In a way, I envy both kinds of fools; my own folly runs toward the other extreme. I worry constantly about not being good enough, and I don't accept compliments graciously.

So what was I thinking during my senior year of high school when I auditioned for the musical Godspell? At that point my only public performing experience had been about nine years of Glee Club; I'd never sung or danced solo and I was always more comfortable scurrying around in backstage darkness than basking under the harsh glare of the lights. The answer is quite simple: I wanted to spend more time with my bestfriend Rosanna, whom I was slowly losing to the theater.

Rosanna was born to be a star, and I was always content to glow from the reflection of her brilliant light. She got involved with CUE, the drama club of La Salle Green Hills (an all-boy Catholic high school). Because it was nothing like Elizabethan-era Shakespearean theater, the club recruited talented girls from surrounding Catholic schools in Manila to play the female parts. Rosanna always got the lead. I rarely saw her because of almost-nightly rehearsals, but she'd keep me up-to-date with all her exciting experiences whenever she could. My heart was always pumped full of pride when I'd see her onstage; I loved seeing the audience respond to her and watch her further encouraged by their applause. Clearly, this is where she belonged. But I missed my bestfriend.

So when she asked me if I wanted to audition for Godspell with her, I said yes -- not really expecting to make the cut, it was just something we could do together. After all, I can warble in tune -- which would probably be the most enthusiastic review I'd receive about my singing -- and I don't have two left feet. I certainly don't have what it takes to make Rodgers or Fosse sit up and notice. But this was high school theater after all, where cheese rules -- and I'm the dairy farmer. I had nothing to lose but my dignity, but I didn't have much to begin with anyway.

To my absolute surprise and delight, not only did I make it to the cast -- but I also got a solo part ("Bless the Lord"). I was looking forward to working with a bunch of really terrific people for the next few months. Some of the folks I spent endless rehearsal hours with went on to much greener pastures in the entertainment industry; for instance, Randy Santiago, who played -- of course -- Jesus Christ (by the way, he has a legitimate medical-related reason for wearing dark sunglasses always, even at night). I remember my initial fear about learning complex choreography (after all, I was a ballet school dropout), and later, feeling unfathomable joy as I discovered I'd nailed all the steps. I remember practicing my high notes over and over again until they soared out of my mouth without hesitation. I remember focusing on just doing instead of failing. This was a miracle for someone like me, who had always feared failure more than anything else.

I never deluded myself into thinking we were breaking new ground here, or that we'd be "discovered" or heralded in the media. I always knew it was all about the doing -- about working hard and in harmony with other people, trusting the people you worked with as well as yourself, and gaining a bit of confidence along the way. It really was one of my best high school experiences; it taught me a little about being fearless and encouraged me to always try something new. I also did get to spend a lot of wonderful times with Rosanna -- but I learned I didn't need her brilliance for illumination; I also had a little light of my own shining within me.

I never performed on stage for an audience again, but I'm not afraid of getting in front of people and speaking. I'd like to think that my involvement with a silly little play many, many years ago had something to do with that. Fortunately, I've also learned my limitations despite my propensity for pushing against boundaries. If not, perhaps I'd do something crazy like audition for AI (c'mon, if William Hung could do it, so could I!). But I'd never try out for the SI model search -- now that would simply be insane, and there's not one voice in my head that would make me do it anyway.

Comments

[Chiqui]

Excellent piece. Just sorry I missed Godspell in 2nd yr.

[luchie_g]

What I remember of Godspell is Christopher de Leon as he used to go to St Paul's Manila back then.
hey,you got a nice site here. can i link you?

[Gigi]

Chiqui,
One thing I'm thankful for is that I got to know Marie T. (she was also in it). If not, I'd never have known how warm and wonderful she was -- and before it was too late, too.

Luchi,
Thank you -- yes, of course. :) BTW I hadn't realized there were so many Pinoy bloggers in Singapore!

[sistah #1]

regarding people with absolutely no talent auditioning for "american idol" and similar shows: remember william hung and all the attention that was paid to him? thanks to him, even people who KNOW they're bad are going to see if they can get their 15 minutes of fame/notoriety. at least it might help pay the bills, even if only for a short time...

[Paul]

OT: Gigi, by any chance did you study in IT?

[Gigi]

Hi Paul,
I tried emailing you at your gmail address, but maybemy msg went straight to junk mail. Anyway, what's IT?